The smell of cheap cologne and musk made my nostrils flare as I awoke. There was a strange feeling of stiffness in my neck as I tried to get up. My legs were tangled between Josh's and he held me tighter than anyone could imagine. "Josh.. let go of me!" I whisper-yell at him. He grumbles before holding me tighter against him. "Josh! I have to pee!" I yell before clawing my way out of his strong hold.

"Brush your teeth while you're at it, your breath smelt like Chinese food! We have things to do!" He yelled from the living room. "We ate Chinese food last night, idiot", I yell as I go into the bathroom and do my business.

I quickly wash my hands and leave the bathroom to find Josh in the kitchen, determined to make breakfast. "So, what do you want to eat, I can make eggs, bacon, cereal", he asked as he looked in the pantry. "I'll just tell Nan-", I say before abruptly stopping. I let out a humorless chuckle before my eyes started to water in agony.

Josh slowly turned around and went up to me. "I know it's going to be hard to get used to this, Mike. It's going-", he says before I cut him off. "To be okay?! Okay?! This is never going to be OKAY! She's dead because I didn't do anything to help her! I didn't even try! I'M USELESS JOSH! SHE'S GONE AND ALL MY FUCKING FAULT!", I yelled as tears ran freely down my eyes.

"It's not your fault, Mike! You were scared and didn't know what to do, okay! What would have you done to help her?", he says. "I COULD HAVE CALLED THE COPS, AN AMBULANCE, SOMETHING! BUT NO, I JUST SAT THERE AND CRIED! I COULD HAVE HELPED HER, JOSH! IT'S MY FAULT", I yelled. "Mike, it wasn't your fault! It was the men who attacked her, they are the ones to blame. They hurt her, not you", he said before pulling me into a hug.

"I know it's tough, I'm going through it too. I can't help but be mad at myself for even going to work instead of going out with you two. I regret everything I did that day but it makes me feel a bit better knowing that it wasn't my fault. The thought that she's okay where she is right now", he said in a calming yet broken voice.

"You don't get it do you? I was there... I saw how she died! I saw how they shot her, stabbed her, mocked her and I didn't do anything! I'M A FAILURE! I FAILED HER!", I yelled as I pushed him away from me. "Mike, come back here, you need to talk about this", he said as he ran after me. "In done with feelings", I say before slamming my door shut in his face.

He banged in my door and begged me to let him in or to let him talk. I just laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling with its strange patterns. Some looked like stars while others looked like flowers. One particular one even looked like a ballerina dancing on a flower. "Michael, please, don't shut me out, I can't deal with losing you too", he whispered.

I took a deep breath and bit my lip. I don't want to feel the pain anymore. I don't want to face anything. I just want to punch something. I feel so mad and I don't know why...

I slowly get up and walk to the door. "I'm mad. I don't know why, but I'm mad",'I whisper through the door. "It's part of the grieving process Mike, it's normal", he whispered back. "But why do I feel mad at everything?!  Don't want to feel this anymore! I don't want to feel anything!", I cry.

"Mike, feelings are a part of life. You need them to make decisions and other stuff. I'm trying to face them and it's hard, but I know that everything will be okay in the future", he whispered.

I slowly opened the door and looked up at his tearful face. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was flushed. His tears rolled down his cheeks gracefully before he wiped them away. I walked up to him and held him in a tight embrace. "I'm sorry for yelling", I whisper as I nuzzle my head into his chest. "It's okay, I understand", he said as he hugged me back, rubbing my back reassuringly.

"The social worker is coming today", he said as we stood there hugging. I quickly pulled away and stared at him in disbelief. "She isn't gonna separate us is she!?" I say to him, fear prominent in my voice. "On god, no. She said she has to talk to both of us, she has news", Josh said. I just nodded before he went to speak again. "Get dressed, she'll be here in a few", he said. "I haven't eaten yet", I whine. "I'll make something while you go get dressed", he explained before walking into the kitchen. I sigh before walking into my room, once again.

I picked out a forest green shirt and some denim shorts. I strip off my pajamas and put on some clean boxers before slipping in my clothes. I walk to the bathroom and put on some deodorant and brush my teeth, I clean my mouth with mouthwash and wash my face. I try to style my hair but give up entirely.

I walk back to my room and put in some socks before heading to the kitchen. "I didn't hear the shower", Josh said once I walked in. "I showered yesterday morning, I think I'm fine", I say as I sit down at the table. "You tell yourself that", he said before putting a plate of eggs and bacon in front of me. "Thanks", I whisper and he nods and smiles before sitting down himself.

We sat and ate quietly before I got up to wash my plate. "Thanks for the food", I say before walking out the kitchen. "Stay in the living room, our social worker should be here soon", he yells from the kitchen and I plop myself on the couch.

I turn on the T.V and watch some cartoons before the doorbell rings. I turn to Josh as he rushes to the door and opens in to greet our social worker, Mrs. Johnson.

"It's great to see you Josh", she said before walking in. She was a kind lady, she was in her mid-forties but she looked great for her age. She always wore her hair in microbraids that she styled into a braid or tied into a low ponytail. She had beautiful and clear dark skin and luscious big lips that were always smiling. She was quite tall, standing a 5'7 with flats on. She always knew what to say to us and I was glad she was our social worker.

"Hey Mike, it's been a while since we've talked", she said as she walked over to me and squeezed me in a big hug.

We all sat on the couches as she took out some papers from her bag. "I've missed you two. It's been what? Three years since we were together", she said with a sad smile. "When mom and dad went missing", I whispered. We sat there in silence for a few moments before she spoke up. "Your grandma was a great woman. We were friends before she passed. We used to go out for coffee or lunch while you guys and my kids went off to school", she said in a sad voice.

"I made her a promise, that I'll take care of you two if she couldn't. I couldn't imagine her leaving us but she has. So I have to keep my promise", she said as she handed both of us papers.

Adoption Papers.

I looked up at her with tears in my eyes. "You're adopting us?" I say, my voice cracking a bit. She just nodded and opened up her arms. I ran up to her and held her tightly, showering her with 'thank you's and tears. Josh came up from behind me and tugged both of us tightly.

We let go after a while and she explained more about it to us. "You will move in with me and my husband. You will be our legal children along with our two kids, Chantell and Shawn. You'll go to a new school and you can spend the afternoon at my Husband's diner until I finish up my work", she explained and we stared at her in disbelief. "What are you waiting for? Go pack", she said with a smile.

Both of us rushed to our room and packed a bag for now. I grabbed a duffle bag and shoved my clothes and my trinkets in there. I put on some shoes and I looked around my room for something else. My eyes darted around my room before they landed in my guitar.

It was a sleek black guitar that my grandma gave me for my birthday last year. I had to beg her for months on end for it, pretty annoying I know...

I sigh and grab it. My eyes started to water a bit as I stared at the guitar. She used to play me lullabies on it to help me sleep. My eyes stung with tears when I remember all that she did for me. I heard it tight to my chest before crying my eyes out.

"bedtime", she said to me tiredly. "But Nana! I'm not even that tired!", I whine. "You have school tomorrow, you need a good night's sleep to feel energized tomorrow", she said as she dragged me to my room. "Josh isn't even back from work yet! I want to say goodnight to him too", I say but she kept pulling me towards my room.

"Come one now, sleep is important. I'll be right next to you and I'll tell Josh goodnight for you", she said with a smile.

I sigh before laying down, pulling my covers over myself and getting comfortable. "Can you sing to me", I whisper to her and she smiles before nodding as she grabbed the guitar from the side of my bed.

She began to strum it lightly, creating the all familiar melody of Taylor Swift.

"I remember tears streaming down your face when I said I'll never let you go

When all those shadows almost killed your light

I remember you said don't leave me here alone

But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes, the sun is going down

You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now

Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound

Don't you dare look out your window, darling everything's on fire

The war outside our door keeps raging on

Hold onto this lullaby even when the musics gone, gone

Just close your eyes, the sun is going down

You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now

Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound

Just close your eyes, you'll be alright

Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound...."

I stood there alone for a few before someone came from behind me and hugged me. He hugged me tight and played with my hair a bit as I cried into his shoulder, still holding the guitar. "It's okay, you're going to be okay", he whispered before pulling away. "Come on, I'll help you finish packing", he said with a sad smile.

I wiped my tears away and nodded before we finished packing my things together.

I stood by the doorframe and stared at my room. There was only furniture left but it still felt empty. None of the things that made this room home were there. It felt lonesome and desolate. I sighed loudly before turning to Josh who stood right behind me with his things.

We walked into the living room together and looked at Mrs. Johnson. "Let's get going then", she said as she led us to her car. "You ready?" Josh whispered to me. "When will I ever be?", I ask before getting in the car.

Getting ready to start my new life...

And hopefully a better one.

•••

"Now that I fell into your arms, My only lover, give out to give in, I search for the capsule I lost", Mrs. Johnson sang as she drove. The music was really soft, calming, actually. It was strange compared to the music that I usually hear Josh play. I liked it.

"It's going to be a while before we get there, you can go ahead and take a nap", she said to the both of us.

Her voice was smooth and calming too. Even the scent of her car was calling me to relaxation. This feeling was strange, it's like I've felt it before but it was too distant to remember completely.

The music in the background became quieter and my head began to feel heavy. My eyes started to droop and I slowly fell into a blissful sleep.

I saw flowers. A whole field of them. Tall stalks of grass that reached up to my thighs and smaller flowers and shrubs that hardly reached my ankles. The sky was a baby blue with the sun setting in the distance. The clouds were large, white and fluffy that spread across the gorgeous evening sky.

I slowly searched out and picked some pretty white and yellow flowers. They were small but beautiful. I walked a bit more and picked some pretty pale pink ones with yellow centers. They smelt fresh and delicate.

I smiled as I looked around and took in the sights, smells and fresh air. I turned around and my smile faltered a bit.

There was a large crack in the middle of the file of flowers. I held the flowers tightly as I slowly walked closer to it. There were sounds coming from it. Whales and cries. They sounded helpless and full of despair and agony.

I walked even closer and stood next to the edge. I slowly looked down and my breath was caught in my throat.

It was just black mist. A murky mist that made my eyes burn and my nose flair. My breathing began to quicken and my body felt paralyzed as I took it all in.

My eyes began to water as I thought of my grandma. A piece of my heart chipped away as I saw her dead body as a memory again.

Another when I saw my parents leaving for the last time... the last time I ever saw them.

A larger one when I yelled at my brother for trying to help me.

My heart felt heavy and hurt as I tried my hardest to stay strong. The mist was too thick. Too strong for me to handle. But enough to consume me from the inside.

Warm tears escaped my eyes as I remembered everything that I wanted to keep hidden. All that I don't want to remember or face.

I woke up with a loud eerie scream that made Mrs. Johnson abruptly brake. My eyes darted around the car and fell on Josh. His face was full of worry and empathy. My breathing began to slow but I was still shaken up.

He gave me a small smile before climbing into the back seat and opening up his arms. His smile never faltered once.

My eyes look at his arms and back at his face. I expected to calm down but my body tended closer to the door. He looked confused and a bit hurt by my actions and he even tried to get closer to me.

"Mike, come here", he said softly. My eyes started to water a bit and my breathing began to quicken before I answered.

"N-no".