We sat in the attic, talking and mostly laughing for a while before Mrs. Johnson called us for dinner.

“There you go boys”, she said as she placed a plate of beautifully prepared candied yam, greens, and smothered chicken. “Thank you”, I say softly. “Before we eat, we usually say grace”, she said, gesturing to the family’s interlocked hands. I slowly move my hand close to Mr. Johnson’s and he clasped it in mine.

“We thank the lord for blessing us with food, water, and all the things we need to thrive. We thank you for Michael and Josh and allowing us to open our arms and welcome them into our house. We thank you again, in Jesus name we pray, amen”, she said, her voice full of emotion.

We all began to dig in, the food was delicious and flavorful. Way better than take out if I was being honest.

“So, I feel like now should be a good time to talk. Get to know you two a little better”, Mr. Johnson said with a small smile. “Sure, I’m a junior in high school, I like robotics and engineering”, Josh said nicely. “How lovely, and what about your friends? I’m sure you miss them”, Mrs. Johnson said kindly. “Not really, I like to focus on my school before I do anything”, he said with a nervous laugh. “That’s fine, at least you have your priorities straight, unlike this one”, she laughed as she nudged Chan.

She just giggled along with her mom before they brought their attention to me. “How about you Michael”, she said with her charming smile. “I-I’m almost thirteen, I like.. um.. school? I guess, I-“, I say before breaking eye contact and sighing. “It’s okay Michael, take your time”, Mrs. Johnson whispered. “I like school, my favorite part of school was music class but I’m guessing there isn’t one at the new school”, I say timidly. “That’s great Michael”, Mr. Johnson smiles. “While we’re in this subject, you two will be starting school this coming monday! Tomorrow we'll go to the store and buy your supplies, Chan will help you with the school and sorry Josh, you’ll be on your own”, she said, a glint of excitement in her mahogany eyes.

I smile nervously and look at Chan for reassurance. She smiles at me softly and I look back at Mrs. Johnson. Oh, boy.

Minutes turn into hours, into days, and finally the whole week flies by. Through the school shopping and the meetings with teachers, it was already Sunday night.

I lay wide awake in bed, staring at the strangely shaped ceiling of the attic. The only light coming from my window was dim and subtle, only letting me see dull outlines.

The attic was chilly. From the first time I’ve been here to now, I’ve noticed that there would always be a draft. Maybe it’s the fact that the window isn’t insulated properly or that the air conditioning sucks up here, but I always find myself trying to warm myself in my blankets.

I cuddle closer to my covers and turn to look at my book bag. I could say I need more time before I could go to school but that would just go over everyone’s head. I’ve been dreading going to a new school. Not that I had friends in my old one, but I hate interacting with people. It’s just who I am.

With the added baggage of losing my grandma, it’s just hard for me not to yell at people or even get close. I don’t want to hurt anyone. At least not anymore. Especially Chan. I made a promise that is hard to keep. I already gained her trust and I want to keep it that way. I don’t want to lash out on her and lose what we have.

I just want to live but I’m hopeless. Maybe I’ll just stay away for my own good and comfort. Maybe then I’ll heal faster. I’ll get over all of this bullshit.

I sigh and let my face fall to my pillow. Tomorrow… will turn the page in my life. A whole new, blank page, ready for it to be filled.

•••

There was a small knock at the hatch before it opened and light seeped in from down stairs. “Michael, time to get up”, I hear Mrs. Johnson say as she shook my shoulder. I groan before slowly getting up and stretching. “Get ready, Alen’s almost done making breakfast”, she said with a smile.

As she left, I got up and walked towards my dresser. I picked out a decent outfit before walking to the bathroom. I grab a towel and turn in the shower. I strip off my pajamas and get into the lukewarm water.

It soothes a bit of my nerves but falls short to curing my first day jitters. I wash my hair and body before rinsing a final time and getting out of the shower. I dry off as quick as I can and slip on my clothes.

I went to the sink and washed my face, then realizing I could have done that in the shower. I was about to look up but kept my eyes down, not wanting to look in the mirror. I sigh before I dry my face, brush my teeth and walk out of the bathroom, making sure to put my things in my hamper before I leave for my room.

I was close to the hatch before I was pulled into a hug. “Excited for the first day of school?” Chan said as her bright and happy aura spread across the room. “Sure”, I say before looking at her.

She wore a plain black shirt with high waisted loose fitted jeans that had little painted flowers on the legs. She wore some sleek black Jordan’s and finished off the look with a red headband and light makeup. “You look nice”, I say and she just smiled brighter. “I wish I could say the same to you”, she said as she gave my outfit a questioning glance. “What? I think I look average”, I say, pulling at my shirt. “Oh, Scotty, come with me”, she said as she pulled down the hatch and went into my room.

“Don’t you want to make an impression on the first day? I mean I would, and I did when it was my first day”, she said as she dug through my dresser. “No?” I respond. “why not? I mean, if I wasn’t your sister, I would have totally swooned over you if you wore something like…. this”, she said as she pulled out a baggy grey tee-shirt with a pocket on the front and some ripped black jeans. I didn’t even know I had those. “That’s weird”, I say about her comment. “A little bit, but you need to start working on yourself a bit. It helped me feel better”, she said as she laid the shirt and pants in my bed. “I mean it’s okay that you're a loner but it won’t hurt to feel pretty”, she said as she looked through my shoes “I don’t want to stand out too much. I get uncomfortable around people, Chan. I just want to be invisible”, I sigh.

“Scott, you know that the only reason you want to be invisible is so that you won’t lash out. I’ve seen how you have to hide that part of your grief and it’s not okay. You need to let it all out not bottle it up by yourself”, she said as she looked at me. “I don’t want to hurt anyone and even if I do, I’m not even ready to look at myself in the fucking mirror! How the hell am I supposed to love other people when I can’t even love myself anymore, Chan! Huh? Tell me! Your good at giving me advice, so show me how the fuck am I supposed to be a dencent human being if I think of myself as a disgrace!” I yell.

She stared at me silently, looking at all of the emotions in my eyes. “I-I’m Sorry. I didn’t mean-“, I say before she cut me off. “Don’t you dare be sorry for being emotionally frustrated. It’s okay Scotty, I know what you are going through and I know that others don’t. I understand that you don’t want to talk to others until you heal and I respect that. I just want you to feel a bit better in your skin, okay?”, she said she pulled me into a strong hug.

“Now finish up getting ready, breakfast should be ready soon”, she said with a smile as she pulled away and walked out of the attic.

I stand there like an idiot for a minute before looking at the clothes on my bed. Maybe it’ll help, maybe I’ll feel a bit better about being me. Michael.

I walk over and pick up the shirt. It has been over two years since I’ve worn it, I don’t know why. It’s in good condition, no holes or stains, but then it hit me.

It was my dad’s shirt.

My eyes watered a bit as I pulled it towards my nose. Three years and it still smells like his old cologne. I laugh before smiling genuinely with my teeth showing. I hug it close to my chest, never wanting to let go. It’s been so long since I’ve seen anything of his that thus one shirt brings me joy. Joy that I never thought I’d feel.

I quickly took off my old shirt before pulling this one on. It fit just a little big but I loved it. I then change into the jeans Chan picked out. I smile as this strange warm feeling consumes me. It’s been a while since I’ve felt it but I loved it.

Happiness.

I stand there, savoring that sweat felling before my smile faltered. All the things I’ve said and done to them came flooding back into my memory. All of the regrets I hold weigh my chest down, making my posture fall.

I look at the shirt once again a and not feel anything. That spark faded and left deep black smoke.

I come back into reality and stand there. I’ll wear the shirt. Not to remember my parents, but to pay for my sins. I’ll bear this pain so I can redeem some sort of myself.

I sigh before grabbing my bag and walking downstairs. “Michael! We’ve been waiting for you, come sit”, Mr. Johnson said as he gestured at the empty seat in between to Chan and Josh. I slowly sit down, not letting my gaze linger too long in my brother.

It’s been a while since we’ve talked. It’s not like I don’t want to, I do, I just don’t want to hurt him like I did before. I want to make up with him but I don’t know where to start. Or if I should even bother.

I take a deep breath before digging in to the homemade waffles that always seemed to make my mouth salivate. I ate surprisingly quickly while I savored the food. “Slow down there, we aren’t in a rush”, Mrs. Johnson said with a smile. “Sorry, it’s just really good”, I whisper, looking at her and Mr. Johnson. They both smiled before we all went back to eating.

“So, if we leave now, Josh, Allen will take you to school and don’t worry, we’ll get your car soon enough, Michael, you’re coming with me, Chan and Shawn. Let’s go”, Mrs. Johnson said as she slipped in her shoes. We all walked out of the cars, Mr. And Mrs. Johnson gave each other a goodbye kiss before getting in there coorisponding cars.

Josh slowly walked to Mr. Johnson’s car and before I could think twice I walked up to him and gave him a big hug. “Good luck”, I say before heading to Mrs. Johnson’s car. He looked at me with a small smile before getting in the car and drove off.

I sat in the back seat with Chan as Shawn took the front, next to Mrs. Johnson. “Buckle up”, she said sweetly before starting the car and driving off the driveway. “Scotty, you have to do something with your hair. It’s all messy”, Chan said as she reached out for my bed head. “What’s wrong with bed head”, I ask. “Your clothes look so nice but your hair just ruins the look”, she said as she ran her fingers through my thick black hair, attempting to style it. “Thanks?” I say as she foucused in one certain part of it.

The ride to School was mostly Chan explaining my classes for the millionth time, Chan fixin my hair, and Chan being Chan.